Smile (though your heart is breaking)

I have never been an optimistic person. I wish I was. Sometimes, I try to be but I am just naturally pessimistic. I am also not the person to tell you to smile through the pain or pretend that it doesn't exist. It just is not that easy, especially if you are dealing with depression. Several years ago, I had an office mate who was super bubbly and cheery all the time. She just always looked for the silver lining of every situation. I asked her once, how she always stayed so positive and she told me that it was because she forced herself to smile, even when she wasn't happy and eventually she would become happier. As she described this phenomenon to me, I couldn't help myself from thinking, what a fool. I mean, really? Just smile and the world magically doesn't seem so bad. What is this, a Disney movie?

Well whether or not this smiling strategy has worked for others, it has never worked for me. I wear my smile as a mask, as a way to convince the outside world that I am just like everyone else, as a way to hide the severe internal pain that I am usually feeling. I have gotten so used to smiling and hiding that I kinda developed a tick. I first noticed this tick while in therapy (I'll tell you more about that later). It seems that when I talk about my most painful feelings, I tend to smile widely and sometimes even chuckle involuntarily. I have tried to control it and I often become very conscious of it, when it is happening. However, I can't seem to stop it from happening.

My therapist asked me about it once, she told me that in the beginning she thought that maybe I found the situation funny. It wasn't until several months of sessions with me until she realized that it was a defense mechanism. Yes, it is my defense mechanism but only when I am talking to other people. I mean, if I have to recount my most painful thoughts and insecurities to a virtual stranger, the least I could do is smile. It is extremely embarrassing to admit to anyone that you suffer from depression. I don't mean the I am having a bad day depression (a term that annoyingly overused and completely misunderstood). I am referring to the depression that is considered a mental illness and we all know that mental illness is hugely stigmatized in this country.

To avoid this shame and added pain, usually l treat my condition like a dirty little secret. It is private and something that I would never share with anyone outside of my very immediate inner circle. So, writing a blog about my most personal shame is completely out of character for me. I am not doing this because I am a pioneer or activist (although I definitely think that we have to change the way we think about mental health in this country). I have chosen to share this side of me and write this blog because I am hoping that it will be somewhat cathartic and maybe someone in a similar situation will stumble across it and find it helpful, one of the worst things about depression is feeling misunderstood and alone.

So, back to the matter at hand, my personal smiling phenomenon is what led to the title of this blog. Don't assume that just because someone is smiling, it is because that person is happy. A smile is just what others expect socially and it makes the outside world more comfortable. Think about it, a smiling person is more approachable and more fun to be around, right? No one would want to be around the depressed person who is fighting back tears. So whatever, if it works for you, then smile and maybe like my former office mate, you will eventually become happier or like me, the smile will at very least attempt to hide the fact that your heart is breaking.

Maybe the old Charlie Chaplin song (I like Michael Jackson's version better) is true, "Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile"

I hope it works.

Twenty-five years living in the shadow

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories of being "depressed" go back to when I was 8 years old. Back then, I just thought that I was a sad little girl. No, better yet, a miserable little girl. I couldn't understand why my thoughts were always so dark and I was always so worried, anxious and stressed. All I knew is that I wasn't happy and I wasn't sure if I ever would be. The thought of never being happy made me even sadder and laid the foundation for some of my earliest thoughts of suicide. Now, at 33 years old, and with a confirmed diagnosis of depression and anxiety, I often still struggle with these dark thoughts.

I know that this is a pretty sensitive topic and one that I do not at all take lightly but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. My shame and the stigma that comes with having depression or any other mental health issue  are the reasons why it took me so many years to seek help. Even as I write these words and confess my dirty little secret, I am still hesitant to let the world 

Know that I suffer from this disease...and yes, it is a disease. 

Depression is deadly and can very often be terminal, if left untreated. It will eat away at you just as bad as any cancer will. It will rob you of all hope and happiness. It will leave you empty and confused, yet full of despair. The pain caused by depression is gnawing, chronic and unending. This pain isn't just mental but also had physical manifestations. And just like many other serious diseases, there is no cure.

So much is still unknown about depression and often people suffer in silence. So I decided to start this blog because I am tiered of living in the shadows. I am tiered of being ashamed. I am tiered of feeling like there is something wrong with me. And I know that there are others out there that feel the same way that I do. So if by sharing my story, I can help just one person feel less alone and hopefully find some healing in the process then maybe...just maybe, it will all be worth it.