I have never been an optimistic person. I wish I was. Sometimes, I try to be but I am just naturally pessimistic. I am also not the person to tell you to smile through the pain or pretend that it doesn't exist. It just is not that easy, especially if you are dealing with depression. Several years ago, I had an office mate who was super bubbly and cheery all the time. She just always looked for the silver lining of every situation. I asked her once, how she always stayed so positive and she told me that it was because she forced herself to smile, even when she wasn't happy and eventually she would become happier. As she described this phenomenon to me, I couldn't help myself from thinking, what a fool. I mean, really? Just smile and the world magically doesn't seem so bad. What is this, a Disney movie?
Well whether or not this smiling strategy has worked for others, it has never worked for me. I wear my smile as a mask, as a way to convince the outside world that I am just like everyone else, as a way to hide the severe internal pain that I am usually feeling. I have gotten so used to smiling and hiding that I kinda developed a tick. I first noticed this tick while in therapy (I'll tell you more about that later). It seems that when I talk about my most painful feelings, I tend to smile widely and sometimes even chuckle involuntarily. I have tried to control it and I often become very conscious of it, when it is happening. However, I can't seem to stop it from happening.
My therapist asked me about it once, she told me that in the beginning she thought that maybe I found the situation funny. It wasn't until several months of sessions with me until she realized that it was a defense mechanism. Yes, it is my defense mechanism but only when I am talking to other people. I mean, if I have to recount my most painful thoughts and insecurities to a virtual stranger, the least I could do is smile. It is extremely embarrassing to admit to anyone that you suffer from depression. I don't mean the I am having a bad day depression (a term that annoyingly overused and completely misunderstood). I am referring to the depression that is considered a mental illness and we all know that mental illness is hugely stigmatized in this country.
To avoid this shame and added pain, usually l treat my condition like a dirty little secret. It is private and something that I would never share with anyone outside of my very immediate inner circle. So, writing a blog about my most personal shame is completely out of character for me. I am not doing this because I am a pioneer or activist (although I definitely think that we have to change the way we think about mental health in this country). I have chosen to share this side of me and write this blog because I am hoping that it will be somewhat cathartic and maybe someone in a similar situation will stumble across it and find it helpful, one of the worst things about depression is feeling misunderstood and alone.
So, back to the matter at hand, my personal smiling phenomenon is what led to the title of this blog. Don't assume that just because someone is smiling, it is because that person is happy. A smile is just what others expect socially and it makes the outside world more comfortable. Think about it, a smiling person is more approachable and more fun to be around, right? No one would want to be around the depressed person who is fighting back tears. So whatever, if it works for you, then smile and maybe like my former office mate, you will eventually become happier or like me, the smile will at very least attempt to hide the fact that your heart is breaking.
Maybe the old Charlie Chaplin song (I like Michael Jackson's version better) is true, "Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile"
I hope it works.
